A Life SO Ordinary
Sunday, Apr. 13, 2003
I guess first of all is that the cancer is malignant and definately inoperable b/c of the state of health that she is in right now and the Dr. refuses to operate on her. The other 2 options: chemo and radiation are also out of the question not b/c of what the Dr's wont do, but b/c my aunt and my dad feel that the only thing it would do is to make her die more quickly and more uncomfortably. SO... we have decided to let the cancer run its course and in that scenario the Dr's say she only has less than a year to live.
Another option for us is to decide whether or not to tell her whats going on... basically that she is going to die. My dad and aunt have decided not to tell her b/c of her alzeimers. She would have to relive the grief of knowing that she was going to die countless times before she would. I personally agree with that b/c I could only imagine how i would feel. Her alzeimers is so bad that she didnt even recognize my uncle mark... she was no where near this bad when we left; she would get us confused, but as soon as she saw us better she would recognize us.
I was her favorite. She and I got along so well. I dont know how i will react if she doesnt recognize me. I almost wish that I could be younger so that i wouldnt have to deal with all of the thoughts and pains of loosing her; like what happened with my grandpa. I was about 11 when he died. I was sad when i heard that he had died so suddenly, but i dont really remember the pain... only that i was sad that I never got to see him one last time. My dad says that its better that i can say my goodbyes b/c i AM so close to her. I understand what he is saying, but its hard to agree ya know?
SO thats whats going on with my grandma. I hope she lives longer than what the Dr's say, but I dont want her to feel pain either... i love her so much. The week of June 2nd we are going down there to say goodbye to her. It is going to be hard, but i WILL get through it. I will have my family with me.
